Some of us just don’t do the whole girlfriend ting all that well. Whether that’s down to fault of your own or because you tried to wife up a sidegal, the result nearly always stands the same: you are a sideman. When it comes to being a sideman, it’s best just to be honest about it. Do you rep for the scumbag lifestyle? Or do you act soggy whenever a woman so much as blinks at you? Each way around it, you are a sideman.
With that being said, we’re all probably very aware that on Sunday, man like Cupid is gonna be all up in our business with his annual Valentine’s Day. It’s ok. We know it can be scary. Valentine’s Day is long. But we’re right here for you sidemen, with a guide to get you through the day. Follow these tips in GRM’s Sideman guide to Valentine’s Day and you should be well on your way to making it through successfully.
Tip 1: Marvin’s Room
Start the day right by going back to basics. Scroll relentlessly though your contacts app and pick out each and every ex and/or link you still haven’t burned all bridges with. Text them all. Give them a call. Tell them you’re thinking about them. It’s the sideman thing to do after all and you never even know, it could secure a follow-up link in the evening.
Tip 2: You are what you eat
If you manage to secure a date with one of the exes, or if you already had one lined up, you need to be taking the unlucky lady out to eat. It’s absolutely vital that you send her signals of your sideman-ness so she knows this isn’t a wife ting, but you still need to be respectful. Take her somewhere like Turtle Bay (you don’t want to break the bill, still) and order the jerk chicken. They say you are what you eat after all. Eat barely any of it though, because you’re a sideman. Focus on those side dishes, order a few extra. Sweet potato fries. Rice and peas. Let her know what you’re really about, in a sensitive and delicious way.
Tip 3: Get lean, then bop
If all goes well, you need to be bringing her to the dance. It’s the perfect excuse to drink a shit load of alcohol and show off some of your side-iest moves. Even if you didn’t have the date, don’t be scared to go and hit up the club anyway – it’s bound to be full of other, probably desperate, fellow singles.
Tip 4: Strength in numbers
If you’re linkless, go out to the club with the mandem. You single lot don’t want to be braving it alone, so stick in a pack. A few sides almost make a whole. If you do have a date, get her to bring some friends along too. The more the merrier, and it can’t hurt to have options for everybody.
Tip 5: If it ain’t working out, move to her friend
If things aren’t going to plan, as a sideman it is your God given duty to always, forever, move to her friend. If she’s a peng-a-leng, it’s got to be done. Even if she ain’t, it’s getting late now and has to be done anyway. You’re a sideman kid and this could be your final offer, no millionaire. Which leads us to our final tip…
Tip 6: Settle for less
This is the golden rule: always settle for less, because honestly, what have you been offering? No beggar can be a chooser, so you gobble up every last opportunity that swings your way like the little sidebreast you are. You can’t be fussy over what her back is like: treat every woman who remotely shows an interest as a sidequeen and you’ll be golden.