News 18 April 2017
Author: Alex Griffin

5 reasons Stormzy really should be prime minister

18 April 2017

Today it has been announced that Theresa May is to hold a snap general election, meaning the UK will once again be voting for who takes the lead in running the country. 

Just like last year upon David Hameron’s resignation, the masses have been calling for one man to step up to the plate, as the man of the people, to take on this country into the future. That hero is Stormzy. We’ve rounded up 5 reasons as to why we think the Wicked Skengman really should run for prime minister.

For a more information on what the EU Referendum decision really means for our future, read our breakdown on it here.

Tracksuits would become compulsory uniform

If Stormzy ran for prime minister, we’re pretty confident one of his first actions would be to make tracksuits (you already know what brand) a compulsory uniform across the country. And we ain’t even just talking at schools. Trackies at the bank. Trackies on the tube. Trackies day and night, round the clock, all year round. A vote for Stormzy is a vote for comfort.

Flipz would be appointed deputy prime minister

Where Stormzy goes, Flipz goes. Even if that’s to number 10 Downing Street. His right hand man would fit right in as a suitable deputy for the new Britain. You already know he doesn’t talk too much and that’s just what we really need from our politicians. There’s too much waffle going on in today’s cabinet, so Flipz is the ideal G to change things going forward.

The new national dish would be Morley’s

Bun chicken tikka masala. When was the last time anyone ate coronation chicken? Those dishes need a little bit more greeze to really represent the people, and what better suggestion than Morley’s fried chicken? With dons like Stormzy, Section Boyz, Krept, Konan, Bonkaz and more growing up on it, there’s obviously some sort of secret ingredient that gives you powers. It’s the secret to success and he’ll bring it to the masses!

Prime Minister’s Questions would actually be interesting

Remember that time Stormzy called former London mayoral candidate Zac Goldsmith a pussy ‘ole? Well that would become the standard thing to expect when it came to Prime Minister’s Questions. Instead of calling each other “honorable gentlemen” in the House of Commons, everybody would have to refer to each other as either “cuz” or “fam”. In fact, the House of Commons should just turn into one Fire In The Park-style slewing match.

“Functions On The Low” would be the national anthem

Stormzy gained a gold plaque from a freestyle when he released “Shut Up” last year. He brought his bars to the classic grime riddim “Fuctions On The Low” by XTC and breathed a new life into it, bringing it to a whole new host of ears who were yet to experience it. The instrumental itself has skyrocketed in popularity, meaning it really should be the new national anthem. Imagine a crowd singing the “Duh, duh duh duh duh duh, duh duh duh duh” melody like they do at Wireless, but at the 2020 World Cup or the next Olympics. Mad ting.