News 9 November 2016
Author: Alex Griffin

Donald Trump is the President of the United States

9 November 2016

No, this is not the next episode of Netflix’s Black Mirror show. This is real life. Last night, American citizens voted in their millions, and they voted for Donald Trump to be their next President.

The Celebrity Apprentice star and WWF co-host (yes, all still real life) beat his Democrat opponent Hilary Clinton, reclaiming the White House for the Republicans.

The shocking result was confirmed after a number of key states swung their decision, despite months of polling that suggested Clinton would clinch it.

It’s a pretty big pill to swallow that a facist, racist and sexist buffoon is now in charge of one of the most powerful countries in the world, but at least we can pretty much guarantee that nuclear war is imminent and it’ll all be over soon.

Trump said at his victory rally at a hotel  in New York, “I just received a call from Secretary Clinton. She congratulated us on our victory.

“Hillary has worked very long and very hard over a long period of time, and we owe her a major debt of gratitude for her service to our country.” He continued, “It is time for us to come together as one united people.”

In slightly better news though, a handful of US states quietly legalised recreational marijuana, namely Massachusetts, Nevada and California. They’re going to need something to get them through it, right?