Exclusives 14 February 2020

GRM’s Guide on how not to be a sideman this valentine’s day

14 February 2020

Sigh, so it’s that time of the year again. Whether you’re juggling three side tings and don’t know which one to take out, or you’re caught up in some sort of ‘situationship’ and don’t know whether to ask out that special person because it’s a bit of a sticky one still (Headie One voice) or shockingly enough you’re actually in a stable, mutually fulfilling relationship, here are our top tips of how not to be a sideman this Valentines day.

1. Do not fake an argument to try and get out of the day

Mandem. We’re talking to you. We all know what you’re doing. Please stop trying this. At your big age. It’s actually long for you. And it’s bait. That hoody you let her borrow that you haven’t worn in years that all of a sudden a week before Valentine’s Day you’re going to throw a tantrum about because she hasn’t given it back? When these times you just can’t be bothered to take her for a simple Nando’s? Save yourself the aggro lads, if you don’t want to do something with her just tell her, I promise it’s a whole lot easier.

2. Don’t try and break up with them to get out of it

Even worse than number one, this must be the dumbest move of them all around Valentine’s Day, because let’s face it we all know in a week or so you’re going to try and slide back in their DMs again like “yo big head long time” (eye roll x3000). So choose wisely.

3. Make sure you’ve read the full terms and conditions of your situation

This one’s mainly for the ladies but guys take note too – probably the most important rule for Valentine’s Day: know your situation and don’t get gassed too quickly. If you haven’t had that all important conversation about “what you are” yet, or you’re stuck in some weird “not friends but not official” situationship, then please do not expect him to just turn up at your house on Valentine’s Day with flowers and a new pair of Louboutins.

4. Social media

Basically same rule as number three but solely applicable for Instagram. Double check he’s actually your so-called “king” before posting pics of the two of you this Valentine’s. It’ll just get awkward when you start hashtagging “#mine” or “#goals” and then wonder why he won’t let you tag his @ or mention his government name in the caption… Also mandem PLEASE on behalf of all your followers, just for once this Valentine’s Day; can we leave all the face half hidden, only showing her arm on the wheel of your Peugeot, emojis covering her face pics of your “bae”?! Who are you dating? Casisdead? Either post the whole pic with your full chest or leave it out.

5. Don’t try and do up big man and take her out somewhere boujee that you know full well you can’t afford

I know you want to impress her, and you want her to think you’re a big man for taking her out to Nobu on Valentine’s Day, but if you know in reality that you can’t afford it and these times you still owe my man down the road a tenner; then just be humble and take her to Creams.

6. Don’t buy all your tings the same present

I know Marks and Spencer’s are doing a three for two on Ferrero Rochers and you want to kill two birds with one stone and save time and money by buying them all the same thing, but just think if they all post up their presents on their Insta stories at the same time on the same day… It could get political.


7. Do not, by any means necessary, take your side chick out in public

I get it, she’s been pressuring you and has been bringing up those “aw babe why don’t we ever go anywhere?” conversations recently, and your conscience (if you have one) might be starting to kick in, but don’t do it bro. Someone will always clock you and if your main squeeze finds out it’s a wrap – save yourself the headache.

Being the impartial outlet that we are, we’ve also got the sidemen covered. Check out our top tips for all the bona fide sidemen right here