It’s London’s favourite carnival this weekend, and you obviously want all the details. Don’t worry, I got you! I’m that archetypal sideman – the first one you lodge, and the last one to get a whine in the dance (if I’m lucky). You’ve probably pointed and laughed at guys like me before, or perhaps even let loose a chicken wing or two at my expense. It’s all good – more wings for me.
Anyway, being a sideman has some big advantages. Take this #CarnivalGuide for example – I’ve been stranded on my lonesome on Portobello Road enough times to take in hella observations and give you that detailed lowdown. With the help of a few handy tweeters, here is your sideman’s #Carnival2019Guide.
First up, let’s talk outfits. For you guys and gals wanting to rock your freshest Diadoras, here’s some words of wisdom from the Twittersphere…
This is sound advice, and great news for me – my so-called ‘crusty tings’ will fit right in with the crowd.
Then, of course, there’s the costumes. Costumes are there to be admired, and should not serve as a mixer for your haterade.
Body shaming is not right – costume or no costume. So if you see a curvy girl in extravagant attire, or a skinny guy who looks like his T should be his dad’s (thanks for that btw dad), show them some love.
Outfit? Check – now for navigating your route. My main piece of advice to any carnival-goers this weekend is cling on to your group as if it was an invite to a Drake mansion party. Because once they’re gone, they’re gone. In my experience, you will not be seeing those people again. This guy knows what I’m talkin’ about…
And this next tweet is for my squad in particular – always jetting off so quickly, it’s like you don’t want me to keep up! As Bobby Valentino once crooned so smoothly, slow it down, guys!
Last on my checklist is behaviour – what to do, and what not to do.
Firstly, sometimes a guy needs a helping hand when he’s getting his groove on with that special someone. This is carnival, help the fella out! (Check the pic for inspiration).
Next – remember, when you see girls moving, and realize that it’s not just your stare that is getting hard, leave them. It’s just saving you the rejection, and them the awkwardness of letting you down.
And finally, carnival is all about peace and love. It is by no means an excuse to catch pagans, or sidemen, for that matter. The only thing I’ll be catching at carnival this year is super-sweet vibes and hopefully a few whines.
That’s all from me, folks. I will see you all there (kid’s day, obvy) for some fun-lovin’, sidemanning carnival shenanigans.
Illustration: Alice Skinner